#BY HIS SIDE United.Together.Forever
Today’s a Bad Day
Today is a bad day. I wish I could say that I’ve never had one before, but bad days consume my life. I wonder… where is the support for us women in the struggle? When a man asks a woman to wait or when a woman decides to wait for him while he’s in prison, does he realize what an incredible emotional sacrifice it is? Does he realize the pain and never-ending loneliness that attaches itself to her heart and soul? Does he realize that yes; we are in this struggle too?
When I made this choice to do this bid with my man, I didn’t know what it would mean to consciously hand over the control and happiness of my life… not to my husband or loved one but to an institution. From the very beginning, my husband told me I had the power in the relationship. I should take the lead because I was the one who was free. How am I free? What power do I have? I by my clothes acceptable for visits. At anytime I can go anywhere my heart desires, but my heart’s desire is trapped within that prison compound. So where am I going? I stalk the mailman and won’t leave the house until he comes; waiting for a white envelope with that familiar handwriting that has taken place of hugs and kisses. I check the phone several times a day to make sure its working, waiting to hear it ring and see “UNAVAILABLE” appear on the caller ID, a sight that has taken the place of the sound of my doorbell or his car horn. I set my watch to the clocks in the prison. I schedule my bedtime around “count.” No, I don’t have any power. The phone company has the power. The mailman has the power. Father time has all the power. The CO’s, they have all the power. Today I feel helpless and out of control. Today is surely a bad day, and yes, I am struggling too.
Today, like most bad days that pass, I see a little bit of my life that has slipped away; another memory not made, another dream that doesn’t come true. One more day I’m without a real home. I am so often standing on the line between sanity and insanity. I must keep telling myself, “he’s real, this is real, the end will come.” Today when he called, I had to fight off the urge to beg him to come home to me. Please come home. If you really loved me, you would find a way. “Today I blame him for keeping us apart. Today I am very angry with him. Today is definitely a bad day, and yes, I am struggling too.
A good day can turn bad in the blink of an eye, a tick of the clock or a beat of my heart. I am on an emotional roller coaster that changes its course without warning or consideration for my mental state. It never asks my permission. Attacks of depression, despair, confusion and frustration hit me and consume me from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head and every corner and crevice of my body in between. Some days I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep. Sleep the years away. Some bad days I can’t sleep or even eat. Sometimes I even have to make my heart and my lungs take oxygen. Suicide is never a thought but dying of loneliness is always a possibility.
Today I have no answer that make sense to me for the thousands of questions running through my head. My mind is cluttered with doubts and confusion and thinking makes my heart heavy with guilt and shame. How could I question the one real joy I have in my life? There are so many people who are lonely, without love and passion in their lives, so as difficult as this whole ordeal is; I know that what he and I share is the most precious of all gifts, “LOVE”. But today, I can’t remember all the unconditional love, support and non-judgment that my man has bestowed upon me. Today I can’t remember that my man is the only one who truly understands and accepts me, the good and the bad. Today I can’t remember all the desire and passion that my man has brought out of me. Today I can’t remember that he plays no games, tells no lies and wears our love like a badge of honor. Today is obviously a bad day, and yes, I am struggling too.
While I wouldn’t change on second, erase one tear or forget one heartache, I can truly understand why any woman would choose not to wait. The reality is that I am in prison too… I am also doing this time and the only thing I am guilty of is loving my man.
For ever one of us that stands by our man, that can endure the bad days and savor the good, there are many that can’t. Many that just don’t even try. To the men whose women have chosen to move on, you must always remember that there are always two sides to every story. Your women might not always tell you what’s in their hearts; but if you listen you can hear their confusion and their fear pleading with you to understand, to forgive, to accept and to remember….Not every woman is strong enough to endure the bad days that the struggle brings.
I stand by his side even on bad days.